Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
