thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Everclear isn't food dammit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
