I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
