it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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