My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
