I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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