Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
