I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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