After last night, I could never be a politician.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
