and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
