And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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