I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
