we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
