My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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