Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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