My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
