he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
