u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
