the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
