I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You pole danced in your parka.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
