If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just had sex on a roof
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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