Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
