BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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