im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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