I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
