Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
