My cat gives me a boner
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
