it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
