It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
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Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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