It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
