My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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