The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You dont lie about slip and slides
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
