i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
