he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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