I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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