Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
