i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
