i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
