We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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