I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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