I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
