I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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