My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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