so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
