I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
