Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
