You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
