WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
