the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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