I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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