Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
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i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
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coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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