she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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