I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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