You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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